First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
