The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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