just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
