Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
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No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
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I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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