Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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