I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
