Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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