Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Randomize
