Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
