My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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