Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
