You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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