there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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