i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
