I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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