Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
