so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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