I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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