I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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