my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize