the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we're making bets on your personal life
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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