She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
