The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
where are my eyebrows?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
