I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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