you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
