alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
