There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
