I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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