My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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