Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
