My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
