i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
