I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize