You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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