More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
