Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
