I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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