i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
