Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
