also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
