My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
