Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
