I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
