everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
