you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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