He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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