Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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