Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
