I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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