she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
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That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
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He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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