I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
