We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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