I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
