if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
