toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so explain again why im purple
no
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
