masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
