Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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