She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
