the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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