Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
