maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
