Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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