he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Shame is for Republicans.
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