theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
