last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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