I am midnight drunk by noon
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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